My Second Memory

The second memory of my daddy. He sang or played the Tennessee Waltz. Every time I sing it to my sons or grandchildren, it was my way of bringing him into their life.

In my memory, I am sitting in his lap and I would see he was chewing gum. I would ask for a piece, he would laugh and say he did not have any in his mouth. I knew better! I would try to look in his mouth for the gum. He would tease me by putting it under his tongue and open his mouth. No gum! I would say to let me see under his tongue. He would switch the gum on top of his tongue. Man, that would get to me. You couldn't fool me, my four year old self would think, but he did. No gum for me! Just a daddy picking up his daughter while singing the Tennessee Waltz. I hope this really happened and not just a dream I conjured up throughout my childhood. I just hope it really happened!

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My last few memories are getting on a bus with my mother. I wave at my daddy through the bus window. He waves back at me. I did not understand why we were leaving him. We went to my grandparents house. Little children hear everything. I hear that my daddy is asking for my brother. I wonder why he is not asking for me. I am hurt. My mother, brother and I travel to Jackson to see him in the hospital. He is very sick, he had tubes in his nose. I now know it was oxygen. Later, I am at my grandparents house. Everyone was sad and crying. Why I wonder? I hear my father died. What did that mean? Then, he was in a box, his arms across his body. I was confused and scared. Why was he there? Why didn't he move? His mother, my Mama H told me to kiss him goodbye. I did. He was cold. I was scared. Why was everyone so sad?

On the way to the cemetery, I remember being held by my brother. I feel safe. I feel love. It is raining. As we get out of the car, he is holding me tight as he ran to the tent. A time I should have been sad, I was happy being held by my brother. I was sad later, when I realized he was not coming back. I would never, for the rest of my life, have a daddy.

My Memories of My Daddy

My daddy died when I was five years old. I only have a few memories of him. I remember waking up in a baby bed and I was afraid and crying. The black lady who kept me picked me up. I wiggled and cried more. She put me down by the back screen door. I stood and screamed and hollered. I've always been a loud one when I needed to be. I wanted my mama or daddy. As I cried, I saw my daddy walking across the back yard. He worked at my granddaddy's sawmill very close to our house and had heard me crying. I was so happy when he came and rescued me. To me, that is a happy memory and I cling to it. It is one of two happy memories I have of him. One of the two times I remember him holding me. Maybe that is why I cherish hugs.

My Lake Walk

Yesterday I went on my walk to my lake. I call it my lake, but it is not all mine. It is not far from my home and is a beautiful spot in the middle of the city.


This fella kept his eye on me. I don't think he was frightened of me. He was checking me out to see if I had any bread for him.
There are signs posted saying not to feed them since it is bad for their health. He told me not to pay any attention to them, cause he did not care about his health. He heard bread was excellent to build strong bones in ducks like him.



Someone planted all these for me....I am sure...I know they did. Aren't they pretty?



I sat right here to think about whether I believed that duck. It took me quite awhile to weigh all the options he gave me. I decided that he was pulling my leg, so I moved on.



Then, along came some other guys to try and change my mind. But, hey, you can't sweet talk me!!

My son summited his opening credits for the movie Cigarette Girl to the South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin, Texas.
They then sent one of his stills for an article in the New York Times
Makes me say "Way to Go Brian"!!!!!

Feelings

So many feelings have been fumbling around my heart. I have been surprised how profoundly Granny's death has affected me. She and I have been in each others lives since 1966. That is a long time. At the beginning of our relationship, I was a very young eighteen year old nursing student. I was naive girl. I was unaware of the impact I was probably having on her life. All I thought about was myself. In time I fell in love with her son. We married and had children of our own. I now know how I changed her life. I did not know how to share. She did not either. But, as time went on, we were forced to reinvent our relationship. Her son and I divorced. She wanted her grandsons to remain in her life, and I did too. We were actually more understanding of each other once my marriage was over. Once before I was to have surgery, when my teenage boys came home from a visit with her, they tossed a note to me from Granny. She told me she had been praying for me and wanting my fear of surgery to be eased. I have the letter still. As I have grown older, and my sons have found the loves of their lives, I understand how she must have felt. It is a part of life to have your babies grow up and leave. They find someone to replace you. It is something you have known was going to happen and you accept it, and find your heart opening up to embrace them. In thinking back now, I think I did not let myself get into her heart. I wanted to be there, but, not until I am now a wise woman, do I realize that sometime between then and now, we got into each other's heart. I had to grow up first. I am so glad I got to visit with her in the last weeks of her life, or I do not think I could bear it now. Her death has affected me in ways I could not have imagined. I know I may never see some of my brother-in-laws again. I may never see their children again. It is not morbid thinking. It is just the reality of our busy lives.

I was at her visitation, and funeral. I had so many feelings. I felt a part of the family. I felt like an outsider, too. I saw old friends of Granny's and was able to reminisce with them about the old days. Then when seeing all the pictures of her life I realized I was not in any of them. Time had moved on and her grandchildren grew up and had children of their own, and I was no longer a part of that family. It was strange how my children, who are the closest people to me in my life, have a whole lot of family memories that I have not been a part of. That is the way it is. It is not thought of every day of our life, but, when a person leaves our life, we think about all of these raw feelings.

She was a big part of my life. She was the mother of my husband. Even though marriages do not work out, it does not mean you no longer have feelings for someone. I have found that out in a big way this past week. I am so glad she was in my life.
I will miss her. I know her sons, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will too. But, I know her daughter-in-laws, and grand-daughter-in-laws will too.

Granny

I am sad today. My boy's granny passed away today. She had been in failing health for awhile. I had written here about my last visit with her. It is sad, but, she was so ready to go. She is with Granddaddy now....