My Memories of My Daddy

My daddy died when I was five years old. I only have a few memories of him. I remember waking up in a baby bed and I was afraid and crying. The black lady who kept me picked me up. I wiggled and cried more. She put me down by the back screen door. I stood and screamed and hollered. I've always been a loud one when I needed to be. I wanted my mama or daddy. As I cried, I saw my daddy walking across the back yard. He worked at my granddaddy's sawmill very close to our house and had heard me crying. I was so happy when he came and rescued me. To me, that is a happy memory and I cling to it. It is one of two happy memories I have of him. One of the two times I remember him holding me. Maybe that is why I cherish hugs.

My Lake Walk

Yesterday I went on my walk to my lake. I call it my lake, but it is not all mine. It is not far from my home and is a beautiful spot in the middle of the city.


This fella kept his eye on me. I don't think he was frightened of me. He was checking me out to see if I had any bread for him.
There are signs posted saying not to feed them since it is bad for their health. He told me not to pay any attention to them, cause he did not care about his health. He heard bread was excellent to build strong bones in ducks like him.



Someone planted all these for me....I am sure...I know they did. Aren't they pretty?



I sat right here to think about whether I believed that duck. It took me quite awhile to weigh all the options he gave me. I decided that he was pulling my leg, so I moved on.



Then, along came some other guys to try and change my mind. But, hey, you can't sweet talk me!!

My son summited his opening credits for the movie Cigarette Girl to the South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin, Texas.
They then sent one of his stills for an article in the New York Times
Makes me say "Way to Go Brian"!!!!!

Feelings

So many feelings have been fumbling around my heart. I have been surprised how profoundly Granny's death has affected me. She and I have been in each others lives since 1966. That is a long time. At the beginning of our relationship, I was a very young eighteen year old nursing student. I was naive girl. I was unaware of the impact I was probably having on her life. All I thought about was myself. In time I fell in love with her son. We married and had children of our own. I now know how I changed her life. I did not know how to share. She did not either. But, as time went on, we were forced to reinvent our relationship. Her son and I divorced. She wanted her grandsons to remain in her life, and I did too. We were actually more understanding of each other once my marriage was over. Once before I was to have surgery, when my teenage boys came home from a visit with her, they tossed a note to me from Granny. She told me she had been praying for me and wanting my fear of surgery to be eased. I have the letter still. As I have grown older, and my sons have found the loves of their lives, I understand how she must have felt. It is a part of life to have your babies grow up and leave. They find someone to replace you. It is something you have known was going to happen and you accept it, and find your heart opening up to embrace them. In thinking back now, I think I did not let myself get into her heart. I wanted to be there, but, not until I am now a wise woman, do I realize that sometime between then and now, we got into each other's heart. I had to grow up first. I am so glad I got to visit with her in the last weeks of her life, or I do not think I could bear it now. Her death has affected me in ways I could not have imagined. I know I may never see some of my brother-in-laws again. I may never see their children again. It is not morbid thinking. It is just the reality of our busy lives.

I was at her visitation, and funeral. I had so many feelings. I felt a part of the family. I felt like an outsider, too. I saw old friends of Granny's and was able to reminisce with them about the old days. Then when seeing all the pictures of her life I realized I was not in any of them. Time had moved on and her grandchildren grew up and had children of their own, and I was no longer a part of that family. It was strange how my children, who are the closest people to me in my life, have a whole lot of family memories that I have not been a part of. That is the way it is. It is not thought of every day of our life, but, when a person leaves our life, we think about all of these raw feelings.

She was a big part of my life. She was the mother of my husband. Even though marriages do not work out, it does not mean you no longer have feelings for someone. I have found that out in a big way this past week. I am so glad she was in my life.
I will miss her. I know her sons, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren will too. But, I know her daughter-in-laws, and grand-daughter-in-laws will too.

Granny

I am sad today. My boy's granny passed away today. She had been in failing health for awhile. I had written here about my last visit with her. It is sad, but, she was so ready to go. She is with Granddaddy now....

Proud Mama

My son did the opening credits for a local film....Cigarette Girl....
It will be entered SXSW Title Sequence Design Competition in Austin, Texas. I am so proud of him. For the honor, and because he told me about it....

Post About Nothing

I am going to take a cue from Seinfeld and write about nothing. I have been so proud of myself for feeling so healthy. I even worked 44 hours last week. Thirty-six of them in three days, yes, three 12 hours in a row. Well, I darn near killed myself. I had three days off. I did nothing to speak of. I then worked an eight hour shift followed by a twelve. I tell all the young girls that I am 62 years old and running out of steam. They do not appreciate it, they one day will understand. I am going to leave a picture of my laughing self on the wall when I retire, so one day I will get the last laugh.

Forrest had a high fever and respiratory ills last week. His mom and dad had been staying off work with him. Since I was off, I volunteered to keep him. You know how when you are sick you usually want to be home with mom or dad, well when asked if he wanted to go to Meme's for the day, he raised his fevered head and shouted, "Yes"!!!! Poor thing, I had to take his temp several times and he could not hold the thermometer in his mouth without grabbing for a breath of air. Meme said, "Poor buddy, you cant't even breathe". To which he replied, quite adamantly, "Yes I can too breathe"!!! He is so literal. I just smiled inside and reassured him that yes, he was right....

I spoke to Lily on the phone. She was in the middle of a Sponge Bob episode. I somehow detected her heart was not in the conversation. When I asked if she would like to get back to old Bob, she said, "yes, since I really don't know what you have been saying" as she giggled honestly. This might upset some grandmothers, but, not me. I appreciate the honesty.

Well, I must go. I have to go to the grocery for treats, cookies, gummy bears, etc....You see, the kids are coming tonight. What happens at Meme's stays at Meme's. I finally got them to quit telling on me.... ;)

Enya

YooHoo!!! I am so lucky today. I found out that I am the winner of an Enya CD from My Journey to Mindfulness.

I love Enya. It is so relaxing and peaceful. I used to play one of her CD's when I was having a hard time sleeping right after I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder. Soon after that my mother died. My emotions went crazy. Enya helped me then. Now I will be able to listen to her just because I want to. That will be so much better.....

Thanks Ernestine.....for drawing my name....

This and That

I am constantly laughing at my grandchildren and the things they say. Makes me think of Art Linkletter.....

here is Max's talk of a band he is forming....
Here

Then, Forrest was pondering one day and asked, "Dad, if you are out in the middle of nowhere???? Are there any
other guys there"?????

Amy asked Lily if she wanted to give the boys in her classroom Star Wars Valentine Cards, Lily replied she wanted to
give them Barbie Valentines. Amy asked her why, Lily said "I want to torture them"!!!!! She is starting early....

The Visit

We are so much wiser when we get some age on us. At least I think so, and would have done a few things differently. One of those things is the relationship with my first husbands mother. Being the mother of two grown sons, and her being the mother of four grown sons, I feel like I understand the reasoning behind so much of events of the past. I do not need to go through each one of them now, here. I just think of all the experiences of life she could have shared with me. If only I had let her.....

I met up with Kevin, Amy, Lily and Forrest at Lily's school. Kevin had told me Lily was having a little piano program. As it turned out the program was the following week. That was fine with me, I got a chance to visit for a minute with them, and that always makes Meme happy. As we talked, Amy mentioned she and Lily were going to visit Granny, and invited me along. I had been wanting to see her. She was very ill, and was ready to be rid of all the pain and trouble breathing. I had this overwhelming desire to tell her I wish I had been a better daughter-in-law, and I appreciated all the love she had given my boys and their families. However, I decided I should not burden her with my regrets. She was, after all, dying. I should make the visit pleasant, happy, uplifting, not one filled with regrets.

I went with Lily and Amy to see her at the nursing home. It was late in the afternoon, the light disappearing from the window. I always liked this time of the day when I was a Candy Striper in the hospital before I was a real nurse. It seemed so cozy, a time to come in to the warm inviting rooms. I know this sounds off, since who thinks a hospital room inviting. I though, always felt at home in a hospital. So, we begin our visit. Amy walks in the room, announcing she had brought a visitor with her. We didn't want to shock her too much. She was glad to see me, and I hugged her hello. We all started talking about Granny and how she was doing. Amy had brought her a Fr*sty, but, she did not want it just yet. Lily sat quietly finishing her Fr*sty. The room was cozy. Three women sat together and talked, all connected by marriage, with Lily being to one connected to us all. I felt a warm kinship and we continued to visit. I laughingly asked her who she thought Lily looked like. She laughed and looked at me and said, YOU! We laughed, my heart swelled, I was so happy to be there. We got around to my boys, her grandsons, and she praised me for raising such wonderful boys. I always enjoy hearing it, but, feel it had nothing to do with me, but, that i had the fortune of having such awesome boys. I told her that they really loved their grandmother, and she nodded and smiled. I think it made her feel very special.

Amy asked her if she wanted her to read some passages from the Bible. She quietly nodded. She asked for the love verses and told Amy II Corinthians 3. That was not the one, so Amy looked while we talked. Amy found the verses, and said it was ch13 rather than 3. Granny said so dryly....well, it was hiding in ch 13. Her humor was coming through. As Amy read, Granny closed her eyes and listened. She seemed very content.

Granny talked about how I used to go to church with them when Eddie and I were dating and then come to their house for Sunday dinner. I told her the old seating arrangements around the small table, She laughed and said they had to enlarge the area as we all got married and the family grew.

As our visit grew to a close, I thought to myself, I will always treasure this visit. Forever.